


Fuck My Feelings

by HyperKid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Beau is an emotional dumbass, Beau is definitely a fucking cuddler, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humour, M/M, Multi, but we love her anyway, feeeeeeeelings, gay repression, ”talk to them” is never helpful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:35:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21857713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Beau is having a bad case of Feelings for her good buddy Jester. What do you mean, talk to her about it? No no no, the only answer is heavy repression!Unless the person you want to leave out is Jester Fucking Lavorre.
Relationships: Beau/Yasha/Jester/Caleb/Fjord/Caduceus, BeauJes - Relationship, Lavorregard - Relationship, Polynein, emphasis on BeauJester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 131





	Fuck My Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> HK: Alright, it’s speed drabble month apparently!  
> Molly: I thought it was “finish shit before you start more” month?  
> HK: ... I will have you know that I finished this shit.  
> Mollymauk: No, I mean the shit before. You know; the one you started instead of finishing the Christmas fic.  
> HK: ... I’m feeling a little attacked here.  
> Mollymauk: Are you bloodied yet?  
> HK: Probably not?  
> Mollymauk: Then I’m gonna keep going. You owe me two chapters.  
> HK: I might squish them to one!  
> Mollymauk: Not if you never write them.  
> HK: Look, I finally had a good idea to contribute to BeauJes, I had to jump on it!  
> Mollymauk: You’re supposed to be contributing crack to BeauJes.  
> HK: .... Okay. But. I did this one first? It came out real fast?  
> Mollymauk: Booooooo. Back to writing!  
> HK: It’s not fun when you’re demanding!  
> Mollymauk: Finish my porn and I’ll stop demanding!  
> HK: No you fucking won’t you’ll demand more!  
> Mollymauk: ... Yeah, you got me. Go write! 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Beau making bad decisions? Many swears. Some references to sex. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own a damn thing and I’m happy with that! Fanon > canon every day of the week motherfuckers

It’s not the sex that’s the problem. It’s not; Beau knows sex, and she knows good sex, especially when she sees it writhing and blue between her sheets. 

It’s not the cuddling either, even if Beau is definitely not a cuddler. That doesn’t matter anyway, because Jester is. Jester doesn’t exactly sleep well on her own any more, and it’s the least Beau can do for a friend, right? 

No, the problem is definitely the fucking feelings. 

She knows how she feels about Fjord, about Caleb, and Caduceus, and Nott, and she can work on Yasha when it becomes relevant, okay. They’re her partners, her teammates, her dumbass adopted brothers, big cow dad, and goblin-sorta-but-not-really-mom. 

They’re family, and Beau loves them, and that’s fine. She’d die for them, and them for her. They’ve come close enough these past months. 

And yeah, Yasha’s back now, and she’s still fuckin’ hot, but she’s not unapproachable anymore. She’s kicked her way off the pedestal Beau kept trying to put her own, and now they’re trying to feel their way as friends. 

And that’s fine too. 

No matter where they end up. 

And it’s not like she’s fucking jealous, okay? She’s not mad when she sees Jester snuggled up to Fjord, or draped across Caduceus’ lap, or huddled in a corner making bullshit plans with Nott. Mildly concerned by that last one, but not mad. 

And it’s not like she wants Jester all to herself either. 

The tiefling is ~a fucking lot~ to handle, a bouncing ball of energy and enthusiasm and Beau’d swear she could fuck her into the ground three times a night and she’d come bouncing back for more. It’s a relief half the time to be able to hand her off to one of the guys. 

Or to Yasha, now that she’s back, though just the thought of that is enough to revive any flagging libido. 

No, all of that is fine, and everything’s going to just carry on and be perfect once she gets her fucking feelings under control. 

Because she can’t stand the way her breath catches when Jester smiles at her. Fuckin’ hates the butterflies in her stomach whenever she hears her name in that thick accent. As for getting all tongue tied whenever Jester wants to go to bed, well, fuck that entirely. 

No, she just needs to take a break. Get her shit together. And remind herself very firmly that Jester is ~family~, and she does not fucking do romance, or feelings, or any of that schmoopy crap from Jester’s books. 

And that means not cuddling, not fucking, not sitting up into the night whispering for a while. It’ll all be okay once she gets her shit together and they can just go back to normal. 

Jester wouldn’t fuckin’ want her specially anyway. 

*** 

Jester doesn’t know what to do when she notices. 

It takes a while; Beau’s terrible at subtle, but Yasha is back and Jester’s delighted to cuddle up to her at bedtime, to feel her warm and solid and here and fine. 

Spending a full actual night with the boys is new, since she usually comes home to cuddle Beau, but she can’t say she’s against snuggling with one or more of them. 

It could just be a coincidence that Beau’s always on watch when she’s sleeping. 

So all in all, it’s not until she realizes that they haven’t cuddled for two weeks that she can identify the empty spot in her heart. 

For a moment, she thinks it’s because Yasha’s back. Beau’s always been so fascinated with her, and it wouldn’t exactly be strange for her to give Jester less attention with Yasha around. But they were still always roommates. 

She tries talking to Caleb first, because she’s about 75% sure he’s the oldest and he does know Beau in a way that none of them else ever will. And he looks absolutely fucking terrified when she mentions it, hides in a book, and quietly tells her she should be talking to Beauregard. 

Jester ~knows~ that. 

If Beau was talking to her they wouldn’t be having this problem. 

Fjord’s... not much more help. He sits, and he listens, and he’s got this sappy little smile on his face that is soooo annoying when she’s getting upset, and she can’t help being upset, and he’s not taking it seriously- 

But he is. And he tells her very gently that of course she’s important to Beau. And he tells her that yeah, Caleb’s right, if she’s this upset she really needs to just talk to Beau about it. 

If she could just do that things would be so much easier. 

Nott’s worse than both of the men combined because she just starts screaming in frustration and cackling and Jester changes the subject as fast as possible. 

Caduceus, though. He’s been out in the world even less than she has, but he’s so wise. He has an old soul. 

And he makes the very best tea. 

*** 

“So tell me what’s wrong,” the firbolg prompts her gently, pushing a cup of hot, sweet tea into her hands. 

Jester takes a moment just to sniff it, curling her fingers around to enjoy the warmth. 

She already feels better. 

“It’s just... well, I think Beau’s been avoiding me? And I don’t know what I did wrong. It’s like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, and she never wants to cuddle, and she’s being all weird when I try to talk to her, like her stomach hurts.” 

The words come spilling out, pulling her brows down into a frown as she tries to examine them. To put them in some kind of order. Caduceus is watching her with his soft, gentle smile he wears while he waits for things to make sense. 

It’s really good at making her squirm. 

Finally, she thinks she has the shape of it, small and twisting and almost reluctant to be dragged into the light. 

“I think she doesn’t like me anymore.” 

And she can’t look at Caduceus as she says it. Not when she sounds so small and alone, so lost. 

And then a large, softly furred hand covers hers and his smile is so soft she can feel the tears pricking the corners of her eyes. 

“Beau cares about you very much,” Caduceus tells her gently, and in his slow, measured voice it sounds as inarguable as saying that the sky is blue. 

It’s still fucking grey sometimes. 

“Then why is she being so weird?” Jester tries to huff, but there’s a sob too close to the surface and when Caduceus spreads his arms she goes straight into them. 

“I don’t know,” he says simply, wrapping his whole long lanky self around her and enveloping her. It makes Jester giggle just a little, and she turns her head so she can press her cheek to his chest. “I do know that Miss Beau isn’t very good with expressing herself when it comes to things that are important. Maybe you’re too important for her to be able to think clearly?” 

It’s a nice thought. A warm bubble in her chest, and reminds her she still has the tea. Caduceus lets her lean away just enough to pick it up, then folds her back into his arms. It’s so safe there, so snuggly and warm that she can’t help melting into him. Like she imagines the Traveler would feel, if he’d cuddle her properly. 

And was warm. 

It might explain the cuddling thing, but Jester’s already cold resistant so she just genuinely doesn’t understand that one. 

But god-mysteries are so different from people-mysteries, and she’s used to never having those answers. There’s something just so... wrong about Beau having secrets from her. About her. 

“So what do I do about it?” She asks quietly, her tail tip flicking idly at the exposed fur on Caduceus’ elbow. 

He smiles down at her. 

“Well for one thing, if she saw that you’re this upset over it she’d probably fall all over herself trying to apologize.” 

It’s another nice thought and it makes Jester giggle again, leaning in close. 

“I don’t want to upset her, though.” Not that Beau wasn’t really super cute when she was all flustered. She really really really was, but that was only fun when it was about small things. Silly things. 

Things that didn’t really matter. 

Above her head, Caduceus purses his lips and hums thoughtfully. 

“Then I guess you have to talk to her.” Jester groans loudly from his lap and he grins, giving her a quick squeeze. “Not nice and polite. Beauregard listens best when you just come out and say things. So I think if you tell her you’ve noticed she doesn’t want to be around you and ask if you’ve made her mad, she’ll probably panic enough to tell you the truth.” 

“Or me and Nott could investigate her,” Jester mutters to herself. 

Sighs. 

She’s heard it from every angle but one, now, so there’s no good hiding from it. 

Although... that does give her an idea. 

*** 

Yasha’s down, as long as she can run when things get tough. At this precise moment, the barbarian woman would cut off a leg for any of them if they asked. 

Which is sweet and all, but Jester’s not going to ask. 

She just needs a little help. 

Fjord is easily roped in because he thinks they’re being dumb and cute, and is maybe just a tiny bit frustrated from trying to get through to Beau himself. 

So when he loudly wishes Beau goodnight at their door, it’s not hard for Jester to segue the conversation where she wants it. 

It’s pretty much what they’ve been talking about anyway. 

“I just wish she would talk to me,” she sighs loudly, one pointed ear pricking as she hears the door start to open and stop. “If she doesn’t want to be roommates anymore I’d be really really sad and I’d probably cry, but I won’t like, mind. I just want to know why. Caduceus said she’s probably just being all awkward and stuff, but if she doesn’t want me around she can just ask! It’s just so much easier if you can talk about things, you know?” 

And alright, maybe that’s just a little bit pointed, and Yasha’s definitely grinning even as her cheeks flush, but before she can reply Beau’s pushed the door open the rest of the way and is staring at the floor. 

“Oh, hey Beau,” Jester chirps, because she can be just a liiiiittle mean. She crosses her legs primly, nodding to the empty spot on the bed. “We’re having a room meeting.” 

Beau does her best to glare, walking in and leaning against the opposite wall. 

“I heard,” she mutters, and her own cheeks are turning red under warm brown skin. 

Yasha quietly rises to leave and Jester shifts until she’s full facing Beau. 

“And?” 

Yeah, alright, there’s part of her that’s enjoying it. There really is something nice about bulling her way straight through all the little rules and things. If she can just convince Beau to bull through with her. 

Beau’s still glaring at the ground, wondering where the fuck this plan went wrong. And maybe just a little bit if stopping being Jester’s roommate might be a good idea after all? 

Yasha must be able to smell the fucking question because she stops at the door and puts a hand on Beau’s shoulder, frowning down at her. 

“Do not lose her.” And then she’s gone, the weight of such loss in that sentence that Beau’s completely speechless. She just stares after Yasha, jaw on the floor, for a solid fifteen seconds. 

Jester’s waiting her version of patiently, her tail flicking back and forth just like Frumpkin’s when he’s feeling playful. When Beau manages to turn to her, the monk’s expression has reformed to a puzzled frown. 

“The fuck was that about?” 

“Yasha thinks you’re going to lose me,” Jester says plainly, not even bothering to pretend she hadn’t heard. What would be the point? They were all of seven feet away. “She thinks you’re gonna push me away and away until I give up and go. But I’m never gonna do that, so you don’t have to either, right?” 

There’s something almost sharp about how pointed that question is, and Beau physically flinches, resorting once more to scowling at the ground. 

Jester watches her a while longer, then sighs and leans back on her arms. 

“You can just tell me you don’t like me anymore. Or that you like Yasha more. I don’t mind if she’s your favourite, or if you guys wanna just be a you thing and be together all the time.” 

That snaps Beau’s head up, blind panic in her eyes. 

“No! It’s nothin’ like that, Jess, I promise!” 

Both of Jester’s brows rise. 

“So what is it? You’ve been all weird and not talking to me, and it’s stupid. I’m a big girl, Beau, I can handle whatever it is.” 

Beau’s panicking now. 

Full out. 

Does not help that she’s pretty sure Yasha locked the fuckin’ door. 

Her gaze darts to the window, and all of a sudden there’s real anger on Jester’s face and she wants to hide under the bed. 

“You’re Not going to jump out of that window instead of talking to me, Beau.” Tone, posture, delivery, that statement could have come from Marion Lavorre at her scariest. It’s got all the ring of Command, even though Beau knows that’s a one word thing. 

Knows Jester would never do that to her. 

Kinda wishes she would, cuz it might help. 

Giving up almost feels good and she throws her hands up into the air, leaning into anger because that’s less scary. 

“It’s nothing, alright? I promise. It’s just a stupid me thing, you don’t have to worry about it. I’ll sort it, okay?” 

Jester’s eyes narrow, her lower lip sliding out into that damnably cute pout. 

“I have to worry about it cuz you’re avoiding me and being weird and distant, Beau. It’s not just a you problem if it’s hurting me too. Let me help?” 

And fuck fuck fuck Beauregard Lionett feels her actual heart stop. It’s enough to yank her gaze right to Jester’s face, apparently scared enough that it knocks the pout right off. 

“I hurt you?” 

Jester leans back for a moment, then leans forward, blowing her bangs back off her face with just a little annoyance. So much for not upsetting Beau. 

But Caduceus did say to be blunt. 

“Yeah. It hurts me when you push me away and won’t tell me why. We used to be so close... and I don’t know why that changed. It’s okay if that’s what you want I just want to know what I did... or what happened.” 

There’s a long, long moment of internal wrestling. Beau vs Feelings, and it takes a full fifteen rounds of knock down, drag out fighting. 

The final winner is Fuck It and Beau lets out a long breath and sighs, running a hand through her hair. 

Jester’s already preparing to move out anyway. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jess,” she says, and every part of her sounds utterly defeated, “I just... didn’t want to ruin things. But I think I did that anyway.” 

She glances up, and Jester just looks confused now. It’s kind of an improvement, if only a temporary one. She searches for words for a moment, hoping to find the right ones. 

No luck. 

And she doesn’t want to lose her nerve. 

“I don’t not like you anymore, I like you too much,” she blurts at about a zillion miles an hour, wanting to get it all out before she can change her mind, “and I didn’t want you to think I was weird or to make you uncomfortable, I just thought I could get it sorted out and we could go back to normal, but apparently that didn’t work and I’m still an idiot and I’m sorry.” 

And Jester’s just... confused. Not annoyed, or even anxious anymore. Just confused? 

So she tries to start with the easiest bit. 

“What do you mean, you like me too much?” Jester genuinely can’t imagine how you could like someone too much, but it comes with the immediate concern that she’s done it. She loves people a whole lot. 

Beau makes a face, kinda wishing they’d already finished this part of the conversation. 

“I mean... I know we’re just friends, okay? Roommates and all, and like, fuck buddies, but just... friends. Not... anything else?” 

Jester looks so completely fuckin’ befuddled that Beau has no choice but to slow down. Like she’s speaking Celestial or something other than Common. 

That sweet blue brow wrinkles as she tries to work it out, and even fuckin’ now Beau’s weak in the knees at how damn cute she is. 

“Beau... what else would we be?” 

And Beau’s heart drops straight out her ass an through the floor. 

Jester must see it, cuz she speeds up, worrying suddenly. 

“I mean, I don’t think we’re friends? Not really? Like, we’ve never talked about words or anything, but we’re like, super closer than just friends? Like I know you didn’t want me to be your girlfriend or anything but I kinda thought we were sort of more that way?” 

She has to wait for a response again, because Beau’s brain has short circuited. From the harshest, deepest dread to confusion to soaring hope. 

She can manage one word. 

“Girlfriend?” 

Jester’s cheeks immediately flush purple and she shakes her head quickly, both hands dropping to twist through her dress. 

“No, I know you didn’t want that! But maybe like... partners? Or something?” 

And she’s not said the important thing, not the only thing that matters. 

Beau manages a step forward, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“Do you want to be girlfriends?” 

Now it’s Jester’s eyes darting around like they’re scared to stop, and she’s blushing, and she’s so fucking cute. 

“I... I mean... not if you don’t want to, of course, but... maybe?” She dares to glance back, and Beau’s floating. Falling away, free from her body, heavenly choirs ringing in her ears. 

It can Not be that easy. 

“I thought...” she pauses, swallows, forces the words out, “I thought you just wanted to play around? Nothing serious?” 

The idea of Jester and serious is still anathema, even as she’s been forced into so many serious, grave situations. She’s just not a serious person; so soft, and sweet, and bubbly, and still so so confused. 

“Beau,” the tiefling says slowly, like she’s feeling her way through the sentence, “when I tell you I love you, what do you think I’m saying?” 

The question makes Beau blush again, and alright, now she feels like a fucking idiot. 

“Thought you meant like a friend?” She manages to mumble, staring at the sheets. “Like Nott?” 

And Jester is momentarily fucking floored, and then she bursts into giggles. It’s enough that Beau’s almost offended, frowning up as the cleric wraps her arms around herself, laughing fit to bust. 

“Hey!” 

“Like Nott? Oh Beau! Of course I don’t love you like Nott! She’s my bestest best friend, but you’re... you,” she manages to gasp out once she’s back under control, laying on her back on the bed. 

With her hair all splayed around her, cheeks flushed and just a little sweaty from that giggle fit, she looks almost post coital. There’s something so, so soft in her smile as she reaches out a hand to Beau, and the monk can’t help but go to her. Jester tugs her down immediately and snuggles in, sighing in contentment like everything is right with the world. 

“I mean that I love you,” she tells Beau fondly, craning up for a kiss, “like girlfriends love, if you want.” 

Beau’s almost too stunned to give it to her, lips bumping clumsily against Jester’s as new thoughts work their way through her mind. 

Oh. 

Okay. 

She’s the Biggest Idiot. 

Fucking Fjord. 

Which does bring up another question, and she frowns. 

“What about Fjord and all the rest of ‘em?” 

Beau doesn’t exactly want to be their girlfriend, but she can tolerate them being her girlfriend’s boyfriends, if she must. 

Jester frowns back, concerned now. 

“We should probably talk about words with them too. I didn’t really ask?” 

It doesn’t even seem to enter her mind that there’s another option. And yeah, Beau’s okay with that. 

Jester’s a fucking lot to handle all by herself, and she already knows she can trust the guys to take care of her. Love her. And Beau loves them, in as much as she can in her own stilted way. 

*** 

So the next morning when Jester barges into breakfast and loudly declares, 

“Okay everybody, I have an announcement! Nott, I love you very much but not in the sexy way, but for all you fucks! I love you,” pointing to Fjord, “and you,” Caleb, “and you,” Caduceus, “and you,” Yasha, “and I want to be your girlfriend!” Beau is able to lean against the doorway and grin at the utter fucking chaos her girlfriend has caused. 

Motherfuckers told Jester to be more direct. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I have also heard rumours that Liam has confirmed polyam Caleb/blumentrio and yes, yes I’m on it but I won’t be playing in this sandbox much because, as always, I have way too much to write xD wish me luck!


End file.
